Tell me about yourself
My name is Heather, I am forty years of age, and I work as a nurse. I am super organised, but feel slightly frazzled lately. My best friend Kate, is going through a lot, and I feel like she is about to fall apart, right when I need her the most. Her teenage daughter has become ‘The Mistress of Darkness’, she is going through an ugly divorce, the bitch who stole her husband is entwined into our social circle, her mother meddles in her life, she drinks too much, and I worry about something happening to her, meeting all these strange men on dating sites. There is a great guy, right under her nose, who is clearly crazy about her, but I don’t think she has noticed him at all.
I hear you are getting married. Congratulations.
Thank you. Yes I am. I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realise that Josh is the perfect man for me. We are getting married at the end of the month. I am so excited, although, I am slightly worried that my Maid of Honour and my other bridesmaid, Tracey, might kill one another, before I make it to the altar.
That sounds awful. What’s going on there?
Let’s put it down to a personality clash. I wish they could just get along. They both mean a lot to me, and I would love them to be friends one day, but I can’t see that happening any time soon.
What about your parents? Are they involved in planning the wedding?
Ha, don’t make me laugh. My mother is too busy making a right fool of herself, throwing herself at every young man, within a ten metre radius. She is a downright embarrassment, but she is my mum, so what can I do?
What are you doing for the Hen’s Celebrations?
Firstly, we have a night out in the city at a male strip show. I don’t know how I’ll keep my mother from molesting some poor unsuspecting half naked man. Kate’s husband’s new girlfriend will be there, Kate’s sister and cousin will also be there, and they are both a piece of work.
Then, we all embark on a four night cruise to tropical north Queensland. If Kate wanted to get rid of Tracey, I’m sure she could throw her overboard in the dead of night, and get away with it. My mum will probably get thrown off at the first port for unruly behaviour. But, the most interesting part is, we discovered Tracey’s husband is having an affair, and will be on the same cruise as us, with his bit of fluff. Tracey has kept the fact that she knows from him, so it will be very interesting when our paths cross on the cruise. Would make a great reality TV show.
Well, good luck with it all. I wish you all the best with your upcoming nuptials.
Thanks very much. I just hope there is no murder on the high seas, my mother doesn’t get arrested for sexual misconduct, Kate’s ex gets what’s coming to him, along with Tracey’s cheating bastard of a husband, Kate can get her shit together long enough to support me on the most important day of my life, and the wedding goes off without a hitch. Pardon the pun.
'Making March' was published in April 2020