CUDDLED AND MUDDLED
9 February 2017
3 pm
It has been so long since I’ve partaken in the act of sexual intercourse, I recently contemplated getting myself a sex buddy. You know, a friend with benefits, no strings attached type of arrangement. After doing my research along with learning about others’ experiences, I have regrettably decided against it.
The idea behind this kind of relationship sounds perfect, in theory. Someone who gives you sex on tap when you strike out on a Saturday night, but feel like a good old roll in the hay. I wonder if it can ever really be that simple.
I doubt very much if most people take into consideration their own emotional state before entering this type of arrangement with another horny individual. They enter it needing to scratch an annoying itch and usually end up with a nasty painful rash in the end.
There are so many rules that must be obeyed for a sex buddy relationship to be successful. It should last no longer than twelve months on average. Ha, just maybe I would be OK. I usually give up on most new ventures within that time frame anyway.
You should both aim to keep things as casual as possible, and only contact each other when you want sex. No texting to say hi, or ask how their latest job interview went. The only thing you should be inquiring about is whether or not they are in the mood, and whether or not they are home.
Under no circumstances will there be any staying the night. Even if you are bloody buggered, always avoid falling asleep in their bed. Once you have done the deed, your clothes should be back on with your car keys firmly clenched in your sweaty hand. Simply give your sex buddy an enthusiastic high-five, and promptly be on your way.
The next written cardinal rule is no cuddling. There shall be none of this … ever. Once you cross this line, it is more than just sex. I would find this one hard as I love to be touched.
Never meet their friends or family and never go out together in public. Well, anything that can be seen as a date anyway. The only place you should be going is straight to the bedroom.
Lastly there is the possibility of one of you developing feelings for the other. This person usually continues to see their friend with benefits just to be close to them. Let’s face it, the sex is usually great, or the arrangement wouldn’t have lasted in the first place, right?
There seems to be an unfair double standard, however. If the guy develops feelings for his female sex buddy, she may not think twice about taking the relationship to the next level. If this situation is reversed, she is seen as tainted and not girlfriend material. You know, easy, willing to give it up for free. Well excuse me, if you wanted to date a nun, maybe you should have joined the priesthood.
You know what? I am a chatterbox who likes to be touched, and firmly believes that most rules were meant to be broken. This arrangement is clearly not an option for me. It will only end badly.
One of my close friends had a sex buddy for a while. I was helping her move house about three years ago, and I found this poem she had written about her experience stuffed inside a dusty old book. Hey, it fell at my feet, so obviously I read it.
You messaged me on a website,
We were both looking for some fun,
I’ve known you for a year now,
I think you’re amazing, hun.
I’ve felt trapped for a while now,
Done something I never thought I’d do,
I thought my heart would be OK,
And then along came you.
Sometimes you make me laugh,
You always make me smile,
Every time after the fun is had,
I long to stay for a while.
You’re a self-proclaimed smart-arse,
And say what’s on your mind,
I love those things about you,
But you are also very kind,
If I had met you in another time,
In a different time in space,
By now I would have told you,
How I love your handsome face.
I know that you have been hurt,
By some sadness in your past,
But please don’t forever be alone,
For fear something may not last.
You fear you’ll lose your freedom,
Of that I understand,
I simply want to be with you,
I want to hold your hand.
I’m thankful for having met you,
The good times that we’ve had,
I know I have to say goodbye,
This truly makes me sad.
I never meant to fall in love,
I care for you, can’t you see,
I want someone to make you happy,
It hurts as it can’t be me.
Oh shit, that’s deep. Now, I am a very strong swimmer, but just like my poor friend, I would more than likely land myself in very deep water and inadvertently get caught up in a nasty rip. I don’t think the boys from Bondi Rescue would be able to save me.
Unpublished Work (c) Hayley Walsh 2020