POKE AND GROPE
24 February 2017
Today is our port day in North Queensland. We are snorkeling the Great Barrier Reef today. I wonder if the girls are up yet. My night was interesting to say the least. I just did the Screw and Flew, you know, the Bonk and Bail.
I just woke up in the cabin of a young guy I slept with last night. I snuck out while he was still asleep. I did have a couple of drinks, but I remember every detail. Oh god, I think he said he is only twenty-three. That means I have officially earned my cougar badge. They say you can’t be a cougar until you hit forty-five. Oh well, close enough.
The girls and I had spent the afternoon playing trivia, bingo, and joined in a treasure hunt on the main pool deck. Marie partnered up with a poor guy who ended up having to piggyback her around the entire course. How she managed to hold on while grabbing his backside at the same time, I’ll never know.
Jenny and Nicole were in a really bitchy mood as usual. They spent the whole time accusing the other teams of cheating as they hate to lose. They also threw the biggest tantrum I have ever seen when they were eliminated, and embarrassed the rest of us.
Heather decided she did not want to take part as she was still suffering a debilitating hangover from the night before. Tracy and Rachel sat and watched in their tiny, barely there bikinis. They thought it was beneath them. Well, excuse me.
I was partnered up with my mum, and she was worse than useless. We were coming dead last. I gave up and decided to go to the bar. That is where I met him. You know, I don’t even remember his name. We arranged to meet back at the same bar after dinner.
This is where things started to get hot and heavy. Physically, he was just my type. Not overly tall, dark hair, stocky, facial stubble, and a nice hairy chest. He had a very plain face, but you know the old saying, right? You don’t look at the mantelpiece when you’re stoking the fire.
He had plenty of stamina, but his love making left a lot to be desired. Let me count the ways.
He gets points for actually engaging in foreplay, but he could do with a bit more practice. Do not worry, ladies, I gave him plenty of constructive feedback along the way, and hopefully, his next conquest will walk away feeling much more satisfied than I.
This guy committed so many bedroom sins, I do not know where to begin. If he was Catholic, I don’t think saying his three Hail Mary's would cut it. Let’s take a look at what went down between the sheets, shall we?
He tried to recreate positions he had obviously seen on porn sites. I ended up basically doing a handstand looking a right mess listening to him say, ‘You’re loving it, aren’t you, babe?’ ‘Ah, no I am not, and if I do not get myself upright soon, I might very well pass out’.
You know when you are on top and he just stares at you? It’s uncomfortable, isn’t it? You are like, what face do I pull? You end up simply closing your eyes and hoping for the best.
My mum and dad spanked me as a child if I was naughty. Here’s a heads up, I do not enjoy it during sex. He spanked me so hard on a couple of occasions that it made me want to turn around and punch him square in the face.
Ladies, how irritating is it when you go down on a guy and he acts like you do not have a gag reflex? All that ends up running through your head during the act is, Whatever you do, don’t vomit on his penis. Not sexy at all.
Why do so many men feel you want your nipples pinched? We don’t, it hurts. If you are lucky enough to have him return the favour of oral sex, he then proceeds to slobber all over your nether regions like a hungry Rottweiler.
While I am on the topic of boobs, they are not punching bags for guys to bat around like a kitten chasing a feather on a stick. I have four bruises and look like I just had a mammogram.
Why do so many feel the need to surprise attack you with a finger up the back passage during foreplay without warning? This is just downright rude if you ask me. Not cool mate … not cool.
Well, that about sums up his performance in the bedroom. I’m going back to my cabin to have a shower and try to explain to my mother where I was last night. Hmmmm, I’ve got it. I was gambling in the casino? I got drunk and fell asleep on the deck? I could tell her the truth. Oh, god, I’ll decide when I get there.