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Backyard Bedlam-Excerpt From Crayons and Chaos


24 November 2019

11 pm

This evening really tested my patience. I literally, was ready to pack a rather large bag, and move out on my own.

I arrived home from a long day at work, and pulled up in the driveway. I could hear someone yelling. It sounded like Sean. I turned the ignition off to make sure I wasn’t hearing things. ‘Natalie, thank god, is that you? I’m going to kill him.’ I thought to myself, What fresh hell is this? They are left alone for two hours….two!

It was clear, the distressed calls for help were coming from the backyard. Do you know what I found? Sean, tethered to the clothesline. ‘What the hell is going on here?’ Sean was red with pure rage. How the hell did Reese over power his twelve year old brother? I swear this kid is going to be a career criminal one day.

‘It started as a game of cops and robbers, and then he arrested me, and tied me up.’ A sheepish Reese then appeared from around the side of the house, closely followed by Monty, his collar replaced with a robbers red bandanna around his neck. ‘Untie your poor brother, I think this has gone a bit far, don’t you?’ Reese looked down at his feet, and mumbled something under his breath.

‘Natalie, please get me out of here, I need to pee.’

'Reese, I can’t hear you mate, what are you saying?’

‘I can’t get him out.’

‘Why not?’

‘I don’t have the keys, I can’t find them.’

‘What bloody keys, what are you talking about?’

Oh no, surely not. I hope it’s not what I think it is. I walked around behind Sean to have a look, and my worst fears were confirmed. Reese had found the set of handcuffs from Tom’s old security job in my bedside drawer. Yes, in case you are wondering, Tom and I have used them in the bedroom. You don’t want things to become stale in that department do you? We like to experiment.

By this stage, Sean was beginning to panic. Reese and I scanned the backyard looking for the keys. Monty followed closely behind wondering what game we were playing. Jet could be seen in the kitchen window with a look on his face, as if to say ‘What have these idiots got themselves into now?’ Cats are so judgmental, right?

The keys couldn’t be located, so I had to resort to calling 000 for help. The fire brigade finally arrived and freed Sean from the handcuffs. The good looking one of the two winked at me as they left. ‘Might be a good idea to find a better hiding place for those cuffs, just saying.’ I was so embarrassed, and more than likely turned an unflattering shade of crimson.

We all headed back inside, and I started to prepare dinner, but not before I threatened them both with possible death, if they didn’t behave. Things, only got worse from there on in. After the clothesline incident, the tension between the two of them, could have been cut with a knife.

I put Jet’s food down, and at that very moment, they both came running through the kitchen trying to tackle each other. Sean stepped on Jets bowl, sending it flying through the air, and landing upside down on the sink. The cat was far from impressed, and I started to see red.

I snapped, I’d had enough. And I had only been home for an hour. I was making their favourite meal, my homemade chicken schnitzel. I decided they didn’t deserve it, and put the prepared crumbed chicken breast pieces back in the fridge. I then told them they were now having cheese on toast for dinner.

Reese promptly chucked a tantrum, screaming ‘I hate you.’ I needed a stiff drink, but discovered we were out of wine. There is a drive through bottle shop up the road. About a ten minute drive. I told the boys, I was heading out for twenty minutes, and begged them not to kill each other while I was gone. The cat looked at me confused, still waiting for his dinner. At this point in time, I didn’t care, I needed to go for that drive before I murdered someone.

I pulled up to the drive through window and the lady asks ‘Did you know you have a cat on the back of your car?’ I got out to investigate, and there was Jet, clinging on for dear life to the soft cover over the ute tray. Tom had got a lift to work with a colleague, I had taken his car to work, so his car was in front of mine.

If I had driven my car, I dread to think what would have happened to poor Jet. He must have followed me out the door when I left, and being black, in the dark, I didn’t see him.

I got home and told the boys that Jet had used up one of his nine lives. Reese asked ‘How many lives do we have Natalie?’ I told them both, it was time for bed as they were in trouble, and an early bedtime was their punishment. I was tucking Reese into bed.

‘So, how many lives do we have?’

‘Only one mate, so you better behave, as there are no second chances.’

Going off the look on his, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth face, he will hopefully behave for a little while.

Time to crack open that bottle of wine.

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