Tell me a bit about yourself
My name is Kate Cutta-Bollsoff. Yes, yes, I know. I get that reaction all the time. There is a funny story behind my ridiculous name, but I won’t go into that right now. I have a fourteen-year-old daughter called Heidi, a sweet little cat named Ebony, and I work as a nurse.
You mentioned earlier that you had been dreading the month of February. Why is that?
I turned forty a couple of weeks ago, on the 1st of February, and am currently trying to make it to March without losing my marbles. My bastard of an ex has just filed for divorce, and likes to rub his newfound love in my face, my teenage daughter has been kidnapped by some dark being, my best friend is getting married at the end of the month, and I am the Maid of Honour, I am desperately trying to lose some weight before the wedding, and am failing miserably, my fellow bridesmaid is a right pain in my arse, and my mother is always trying to set me up with every man she can find. The wedding is tomorrow, so not long now. Wish me luck.
Tell me about your best friend
Her name is Heather. We met many years ago at work. She has been there for me through thick and thin. She has far more class and grace than I'll ever have, and is super organised. I just hope I can live up to her expectations. I don’t want to let her down. Knowing me, I’ll trip over my bridesmaid dress and fall face first in the dirt, walking up the isle on her big day.
Tell me about Heidi
She used to be a loving, sweet girl. Now she is the mistress of darkness, spends all of her time brooding in her room, wears nothing but black, and tests my patience daily. If you know where my lovely little girl has gone, please bring her back.
Why is your mother always trying to set you up with men? How is your love life going?
Oh my god. Where do I start? There is a guy I really like, I’ve known him for years, but I’m not sure where it’s going right now. I have been on so many disastrous dates; I feel like giving up and joining the convent. No, just kidding. If I picked up a bible, it might burst into flames. In the last few weeks I’ve dated a want to be porn star who turned me inside out, literally, a disgusting nose picker with terrible breath, and a woman posing as a man online.
What diets have you tried?
What haven’t I tried? I am keeping the weight loss industry in business. The soup diet, the pre-packaged meals diet, the shake diet, and the cabbage diet. A word of warning. Do not try the cabbage diet unless you wish to become the ‘Femme Fatale of Flatulence’. Not pretty, not pretty at all.
What do you find most challenging now you are officially in your forties?
Oh, so many things. Every part of your body starting to ache in places you never knew you had. Finding it much harder to shift the kilos. The constant battle of covering up your grey hairs. Do you continue to spend a fortune dying it, or do you try to rock those silvers and hope you can pull it off, looking like Cruella de Vil. I’d more than likely come out resembling an evil witch from a childhood fairy tale.
How have the wedding plans been going?
Let me tell you, there has never been a dull moment. The kitchen tea involved sex toys with a skanky looking bogan for a host, the hen’s night involved fishing one of our drunken party members out of Sydney Harbour in a rather disgraceful state, we discovered the other Bridesmaid’s husband is having an affair, and he and his bit of fluff ended up on the same four night cruise we took for the Hens trip away (awkward). Add to that, far too many dress fittings, and having your ex-husband's current partner join you on the cruise (long story). Shall I go on?
Thanks for talking to us today. Is there anything else you would like to add?
No, I don’t think so. Hopefully, I’ll make it out the other side of February with my sanity intact? It’s been a crazy month. I’ll be glad when it’s all over. Thank the powers that be, it isn’t a leap year lol.